Augustus Belmont, Jr. called - he wants his neighborhood back

BD just returned from a quick trip to the horse racing tracks in Louisiana. But BD’s not a betting man, he was answering a mysterious letter, short and to the point -

Meet me at the track, behind the paddocks. We need to talk about my home on Lowest Greenville. - AB

The signature was covered in mud and smelled like horseshit. Hey, we needed an excuse for a road trip anyways.

Upon arrival, BD went to the paddocks (after asking what a paddock was) and found himself standing next to a rather large brown horse. Seeing no one around waiting for him, BD pulled up a stool and started checking his email on his smart phone. That’s when the horse started talking.

Do you know who I am?, he bellowed. When BD recovered his senses, and picked himself up off the dirt, the horse continued to speak.

I am the soul of Augustus Belmont, Jr. I built the Belmont Race Track in New York. And I created that little area of Lowest Greenville called the Belmont Addition.

Yeah, I took a hit on it when the stock market crashed, but it finally grew into a great neighborhood.

It looks good now, but…

So, BD asked, you called me here for a history lesson?? So what??

At this, the horse stood up on his hind legs, and almost screaming, said,

No, you fool! I am really pissed off at what you’ve done to my pride and joy. It’s bad enough a WalMart is there now, but my god, what about this so-called enforcement committee telling people they can't build houses there?? What’s next, telling people to move out???

BD tried to explain that the City created the Conservation District, but that the so-called illegal enforcement committee was the work of neighbors who sit down and decide (or try to decide) what can and cannot be built in the area. It’s all private and hush-hush, and it’s all done on official-looking letterhead by a bunch of lawyers.

You’ve got to stop them. This is going to get out of control. Someone could get sued.

Too late for that.

I read those documents Melissa King filed on someone trying to build a nice house. She made him sign a contract saying that she was representing everyone who has lived, will live or is living there.

My god, man, I lived there in the 1890’s - I seriously doubt I signed anything that made her my legal attorney a hundred years later. Who does she and that so-called enforcement committee think they are???

BD looked up the quote, which he had already posted

For purposes of this Agreement, the definition of "BACD" includes all past, present and future residents, officers, committee chairs, committee members, directors, agents, members, managers, joint ventures, partners, limited partners, parents, subsidiaries, affiliates, successors and assigns, and any other person or entity acting on its behalf, jointly and severably. (link)

Augustus whinied and took a piss on the LGNA newsletter he had stuck on the paddock wall.

You know what’s going to happen next? These fools are going to start deciding which houses need to be torn down and who needs to leave. They will meet in secret and vote in a dark room. It’s gonna be just like the Nazi’s when they forced the Jews to move, but in English.

It’s just another step closer to letting people decide who their neighbors will be. Just like those homeowners associations that sue people for flying the flag or having a car with a political bumper sticker on it.

So you have read the campaign platform for Philip Kingston?? Neighborhood self-determination and all that stuff??

Self-determination, my big brown ass. His committee is fixing to push out anyone whose house needs a little repair so his friends can tear it down, and build a new house. Oh, too bad about the people he kicked out.

That’s why he’s running for your city council, so he can make Dallas into a little version of Chicago. That’s just plain wrong. You have to stop him.


You write a story about our talk here. People will believe you. There’s talking horse on television everyday here in the stable.

Tell people not to vote for that Kingston idiot. Tell them, he’s bad for neighborhoods. They’ll believe you, they really will.

BD hopes so.

By Avi S. Adelman under Elections , Lower Greenville