DPD's newest service policy - Handle It Yourself

Written by David Tuthill, Dallas

The Dallas Police Department is proposing yet another public safety innovation, following on the success of their Verified Response and Verified Parking programs.

This new policy is called Handle It Yourself.

Under this new and exciting program - which will soon be promoted in a mailing to all residents, at our expense - the citizens of Dallas will be required to take the law into their own hands and settle things immediately, if not amicably, without the interference of the police, courts, pesky tickets, or other expensive services.

DPD has not responded to traffic accidents without injuries for a long time. With Verified Response, if your burglar alarm goes off, then it is up to someone else (preferably a neighbor or a private security service) to verify that a crime has occurred, and then the police might respond to the call in their timely fashion (perhaps even within that same week). With Verified Parking, even the most basic act of residential disrespect by bar patrons is allowed to grow into a traffic and safety hazard in just a few hours.

Under the new Handle It Yourself policy, things like noise violations, family disputes, criminal assaults, trespassing and other illegal activities (like those the State of Texas held hearings on regarding Dallas’ enforcement of criminal nuisance problems [Jim Schutze – The Big Stick]) you the citizen will be required to handle it yourself, thereby freeing the police to attend to their other high priority items like part-time jobs patrolling neighborhoods that can afford to pay for off-duty officers to supplement non-existent on-duty service, or eating that extra doughnut while on a break.

Handle It Yourself will save the City money badly needed to offset the numerous tax abatements granted to big businesses and pork-barrel projects that the City has in the works (like the three butt-floss bridges over the Trinity River and the hanging gardens of Woodall Rodgers Freeway).

This kind of development will immediately attract people who want to live in Dallas. Prospective Dallasites will say: The crime is horrible but just look at those suspension bridges! I want to live here and not in those nasty suburbs that have low crime, good schools and no suspension bridges over mud creeks.

Coming soon - Express Concealed Handgun Permits

By Avi S. Adelman under Neighborhoods , Safe streets