Oy vey, 2005 was a very good year

Once again, BD and his cronies (all the Jews who control things on Lower Greenville) have met to settle on the top stories in our little corner of the world.

Since there are only three Jewish guys in the immediate neighorhood to work on this list (and that does not include Mad Maxine), we only needed to spread a few schmeers of cream cheese on our bagels by the time we were finished.

Oy vey, read more already!

Verified Everything

In an attempt to save money, the Dallas Police Department proposes Verified Response for burglary calls and Verified Parking for illegal parking issues.

This follows on the successful program operated by Building Inspection and Code Enforcement, Verified Occupancy. Under VO, scumbar owners promise they will build new restaurants with 25 table tops and a full kitchen with ten European-trained chefs, thus entitling them to get Certificates of Occupancy for Restaurants without Drive-In Service.

Five days after they open, the tables are sent back, the chefs are deported to Europe, and the kitchen is turned into a disc jockey booth. Who knew?

Why have dead voters when the elderly are so easy to scare?

Two open seats bring out the best and worst of Dallas politics in the District 14 and District 2 council races. Both races end up in run-off elections.

In District 2, Pauline Medrano and her pet pig, Anna Casey, manage to intimidate, scare and harass 514 elderly voters to make them vote for La Patrona Medrano. Most heard line: If Monica is elected, all the bathrooms in City buildings will be converted to unisex toilets. Come run-off election day, La Patrona steals the election and LMP is still a pig.

In District 14, Not-So-Angelic Hunt gets into a run-off against Kathy Ingle (The most often heard joke at NSA's headquarters: Question: What weighs 185 pounds, has blonde hair, cost $55,000 and crashes on Oak Lawn? Answer: Candy Marcum).

NSA's own versions of Anna Casey and Neil Emmons, go on the campaign cocktail circuit to promote a new DHL concept: Neighborhood associations that are self-governing entities, controlling zoning, law enforcement and traffic, otherwise known as Verified Council Fiefdoms. Expect the M-Streets and McKinney/Uptown to secede from the City of Dallas in two years

Strong mayor, weak mayor, two bits, a dollar, let's all get together and, [we can't make the rhyme work]

Beth Ann Blackwood and her Park Cities cronies spend billions of dollars (okay, maybe only a quarter million) to convince Dallas residents they need a new form of government in Dallas, which they will manage for us under a consulting contract. And they have a butt-floss string thing bridge to sell you when this discussion is over.

Strong-Arm Mayor goes down to defeat not once but twice in one year. The BABS plan crashes and burns in May despite the support of Mayor Laura Miller and every white or Jewish person living north of LBJ. In November, Strong Mayor Light goes down despite the support of Mayor Laura Miller and every white or Jewish person living north of LBJ.

Mad Maxine finally brings crime enforcement to Lower Greenville

After watching BD get all the headlines for six years, Mad Maxine, working with her New Best Friend (NBF) Chief David Kunkle, promises to straighten out Lower Greenville in less than six months.

Taking the American Temperance Movement as her model, she and her gang of LGNA members, all wearing shirts with the word BITCH printed on them in 12-inch high letters, storm into scumbars on a Sunday night, trying to stop illegal dancing and prevent any alcohol from being sold. However, their efforts were wasted when they realized all the places they raided were only open Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.

NBF was found laughing hysterically in the street hours later, which may explain how burglars managed to steal all the appliances out of his still-under-construction home just blocks away.

The City Plan Commission - need we say more...

Proving that Jews are not the only race that sticks together, all the black members of the City's Plan Commission voluntarily allow themselves to be investigated by the FBI.

As a sign of support, all the black members of the Dallas City Council allow their offices to be raided - cue the cameras! - by the FBI too.

John's Cafe: Not in my neighborhood!

After getting an eviction notice, the owners of John's Cafe get a sales pitch to move into the new Lower Greenville CityVille project, an action which will require a zoning waiver so he can stay open after 4 pm and make a decent living.

But Mad Maxine and her supporters in the faux-Lower Greenville West NA, citing the deck of cards zoning plan built and approved by the City Council, pull all the stops out to keep John's off Lower Greenville.

According to Mad Max, We want Lower Greenville to be a safe place. If we allow John's on Lower Greenville, whose to say what kind of business will follow - candy stores, dress shops, or - god help us - private mail box services??? This is just unacceptable. And after we get rid of John's, we are gonna shut down any website that tells the public the truth about how stupid we are.

They storm the next meeting of the Plan Commission, lobbying to keep John's out of the development, not knowing the motion had been removed from the agenda a day earlier.

Synbar brings cops inside the bar, and it ain't just to stay warm

In an effort to make their scumbar the safest one in town, Synbar hires a cop from Podunk, Texas as its security director. He flashes his badge inside the scumbar, harasses anyone who promotes other bars in the area, harasses neighbors who can't stand the noise coming off the patio, calls DPD to issue No Trespass warnings to scumbar patrons making passes at their waitresses, and to protect their parking lots.

The rent-a-cop is eventually removed when Podunk's Chief of Police figures out that his only cop is using the department's only Breathalyzer to make money for the bar: For ten bucks a pop, they were self-testing before heading home, getting maps to avoid DWI patrols.

The scumbar owners start finking on each other

After figuring out that Mad Maxine might have the right idea, a scumbar owner starts his own one-man crimewatch to fight competitors stealing his business. He drives around the neighborhood Friday and Saturday nights reporting every violation he can find to TABC and DPD.

The scumbar owner, known only by his nomme du MDT terminal as James, eventually gets outed by DPD officers tired of having to shut down all the bars in the area, thereby depriving them of the chance to see half-naked girls walk down the street every Friday and Saturday night.

Guardian Angels as moving targets

A new chapter of Guardian Angels comes out to patrol Lower Greenville. Managed by an ex-bar bouncer, the patrol team (two bicycle couriers, a parks department employee, and a scumbar patron who thought the red beret just looked so cool), walk on Lower Greenville and Deep Ellum for 30 minutes every Friday and Saturday night between appearances on local newscasts.

They fail miserably when they realize the red berets and white shirts make them easy targets for DPD officers using pepperball guns to move the crowds off the street at 2 am.

Belmont Neighborhood Association??? What neighborhood association??

The Lower Greenville Neighborhood Association continues its Don't Ask Don't Tell policy in dealing with the Belmont Neighborhood Association's efforts to secede and represent 1,000 residents out of nearly 5,000 stuck in LGNA.

While on the phone with a BNA officer discussing the John's issue, an LGNA officer gets an email telling him the phone call is being monitored and he needs to stop talking. The LGNA officer immediately hangs up.

LGNA is now raising money to move the dissidents out of the neighborhood and into areas like Pleasant Grove and Fair Park, where they hope no one will listen to them.

By Avi S. Adelman under Neighborhoods , Lower Greenville